Last Resort Part 1
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I don’t think I can last like this…
I should be happy because my plan is working perfectly.
Well, should I? It’s a torture. Maybe I’m
killing myself without noticing. All of this…
is for her…
Is it right to throw away everything you’ve
worked so hard for because you think that you don’t
deserve “that” everything?
I thought something isn’t right, I don’t
think I deserve to be with her. She’s very
(when I say “very”, its super) beautiful,
intelligent, nice, loving and she comes from a well
known family, while I’m just an average kind
of man. Every time we are with each other, all I
want to do is to hug her and tell her I love her.
However our difference in status makes me feel that
I don’t really deserve someone like her. Maybe
I’m not the one for her. She has many suitors
who are well groomed and more handsome than me because
she’s very attractive.
(More Related : Tragic
So I came up with a plan, a plan that will change
Everything. I… Must… Ruin… Everything…
So that she will hate me… So that when I’m
gone, she won’t feel bad breaking up with
me. She will feel happier.
Eight months later (now), my plan is at its peak.
She doesn’t like me right now.
My plan started slowly. I began by saying that
I don’t deserve her because of our differences.
I tell her about it often. About two times a week.
The roots have been planted. Ever since planting
the roots of destruction, we always fight before
we settle in a lull.
It was December 2008 when a friend of ours had
her 18th birthday. I thought of using it as another
opportunity to set up a fight. On the day after
the birthday, she asked me of what I thought of
I said, “She’s beautiful.” even
though what I wanted to say was, “You’re
I couldn’t say what I thought and it hurts
so badly but I can’t show it in front of her.
This incident helped the roots sprout its first
buds of hate. Since then, whenever I tell her that
she’s beautiful, she will remember what I
said about our friend. My plans started to formulate
and it really hurts me very much. However, I had
to do it as it’s for her own good…
January 2009 came and whenever we’re happy,
I would start a fight. We fight everyday. It will
always end up with a respite before the next fight
again. Her warm personality towards me starts to
cool down. This hurts me too. Every time I hurt
her feelings, it hurts me twice as much. Nevertheless,
I always felt that when the time comes and it all
ends, she will be thrice as happy…
(More Related : Greatest
On the most important day of the year on 23rd February,
(it’s the second year after I first confessed
my feelings for her) I didn’t make it as special
as I did the last time. It hurts so much. That is
the time when she noticed I’ve changed. I
can feel her being hurt. I want to tell her I love
her so much. From that day onwards, she became very
sweet and thoughtful. I thought it might be because
she wants me to return to my original self. The
original loving and understanding man she knew.
Soon, it was March 2009. My remaining time with
her is very short. The vacation is coming. She still
loves me but I have to complete my task. I once
promised I would never hurt her either emotionally
or physically. She thought I won’t do it.
That’s why if I do it, she will definitely
After starting a fight with her, I pretended that
I was in a rage and I took one jab at her arms.
I saw her grasping her arms in pain. I was shocked
at what I did. She looked at me with her teary eyes.
She was in pain. A pain she couldn’t believe
she would receive from me. A pain I can’t
believe I gave her. I felt so much anger at myself.
I wanted to kill myself for what I just did and
I thought that will make her hate me. However, she
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