It had been raining for more than a week, so much
rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy.
She called and said she was coming up. It was the
third time she came up to see me that week. I carried
her excuse of why she came all the way here and
went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She
was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella.
Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and
she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in
the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.
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I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't
come see me anymore," and stuff like how we
shouldn't be together.
She said, "I miss you."
I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you
She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted
to share mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."
Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked
with me to the car. She said she hadn't eat lunch
or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place
Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"
Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train
station, she said she would take the train back
Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full
of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were
eager to get home, not caring about who just passed
by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently.
Being together for so long, of course I knew what
she meant. I understand how she must feel when she
came all this way here in this kind of weather and
I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring
at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for
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But reality struck again, I said to her coldly,
"Let's go try the other train station."
We were living in the same apartment building,
on the same floor. Back then there were four of
us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner
together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping.
We were more like a family, but I didn't know I
would end up falling in love with the only girl
of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of
college, having living together for two years, we
developed deep feelings for each other. After she
graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one
more year to finish school. During that year I was
only able to take the train down to see her on holidays,
but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured
We were walking along the side of the road. She
was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her
umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a
wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking
weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or
whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she
almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted
to just take her in my arms, but with the love I
had for her and the constant pain in my stomach,
I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park
where we use to always go.
She begged and said, "Lets go in the park
just for a little while please, I promise I'll go
home right after this."
With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I
still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park.
I was just sitting on the benches looking like I
wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and
she was looking for something. I knew she was looking
for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink
pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it
said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had
tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris
and Susan would always remember this day, always
loving each other, forever." She was looking
around for quite a while, then she came back slowly
with tears on her face.
She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain,
flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never
felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't
care, and said, "Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just
standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping
there was still a chance. She said, "You made
up the story of you and that other girl didn't you?
I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change,
can't we start over?"
I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook
my head. After that we just kept on walking towards
the train station, didn't say a word to each other.
Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but
it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking
that it was okay, I started living my normal life
again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't
think about the cancer again and did not go back
to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was
hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare
awakened me again. First I thought the pain wouldl
go away, but it grew stronger until to the point
that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to
the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out
and there was a big black spot, which proved the
truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the
most glittering part of my life, but it was coming
to an end. I wanted myself and the people around
me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided
to commit suicide.
But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions,
especially Susan, the person I love the most in
this whole world, who still doesn't know about the
truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have
to go through this. So I made up some stories and
lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it
broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe
out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time,
because I would soon start to loose hair and she
would find out eventually. But now I'm close to
succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty
minutes more this would all come to an end, that
was what I had in mind.
The train had stopped running so I called a taxi
for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing
our last moments in silence.
I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and
said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good
care of yourself."
She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then
opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out
on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single
life forms, one red, one black, so far away from
each other. I opened the door for her and she got
in, then I close the gate that would separate me
from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in
the dark window, at the first love in my life, also
the last one, walking out of my life. The car started,
driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold
my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer,
waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because
I knew, this would be the last time I see her.
I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted
to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much,
but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm
tears kept falling down my face, blended with the
cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the
rain. I was cold inside.
She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone
calls even until today. I know she didn't see my
tears, because they were washed away by the rain.
I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that
girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found
after one year since he left, writing down these
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